New Beginnings

I have spent much time sitting around and talking about starting a blog to share my story with the world.  Here I am, finally doing it!  It’s exciting and at the same time kind of scary.  I have spent so many years criticizing myself and not feeling “good enough”, that to open up and expose my true self to complete strangers, seems to go against the grain of my beliefs.  With that said, I can only imagine a great deal of personal growth will come from all of this.

I really struggle to see that my thoughts and ideas matter.  People tell me they do, but are they just saying that?  Hell no, they matter and that’s exactly why I’m doing this.  No matter what we think of ourselves, what others have said about us, all of our thoughts and ideas matter.

The past two years (almost) in recovery from addiction, the word “purpose” has been thrown around a lot. I’ve never believed I have a “purpose” let alone know what that even means until now.

Over analyzing every thought that comes into existence in my mind has been a major block for finding this so called “purpose”.  I tend to put way too much time in what all the little voices in my head are saying.  Even when I become aware that my thoughts are snowballing, I over think the fact that I’m over thinking.

So instead of letting my mind be the perpetual force behind driving me crazy, why not open my mind and  put my thoughts out to the world.  Will reaching out to others in need of support help me in my journey? Yes! Will having a sense of connection with other like-minded humans help me along in recovery? Yes! Does the passion I feel for helping others play an important role in my healing? Yes!

It seems to me that I have found my “purpose” (it’s going to take some getting used to saying that) and now it’s just a matter of finding my voice and figuring out how this all fits into the bigger picture for me.  Being someone that struggles with finding a solid sense of identity,  I’m hoping that the efforts I put into my writing will open doors for me and be able to find myself.   I guess this is the first step in achieving that.

So far, recovery and living with mental illness has been a long road travelled (extremely bumpy) and I have come to realize that the road is never ending.   But this is a new chapter in my life.  The bumps have smoothed out a bit,  and some of the fog has lifted as I gain new insights almost daily. The uncertainty of the future feels very uncomfortable and I can’t say that the fog will ever completely dissolve.  However, finding this sense of purpose is refreshing and keeps me looking down the road with my head high.

The conversation around mental health has been started, but really needs to get rolling faster.  I want to be a part of that conversation, a loud voice that will be heard, and to stand up with, and for, the millions of us that struggle in our minds each and every day.

Here’s to new adventures, a new voice in the crowd, but most importantly, here’s to finding meaning in the mayhem!